Love so deep it hurts

Thank God for the Boba wrap.  Here I sit, my two month old son wrapped close to my chest, right were he wants to be 24-7.

Words cannot describe the immense joy I have felt at having a second baby.  I didn’t know your heart could be so full, I didn’t realize that the love you felt for your first could expand to greater depths with #2.  I also didn’t realize how insanely chaotic it would be, especially when BOTH end up sick around the holidays and for the biggest duration of my maternity leave.

Yet, I go back to work again in two weeks and the deep sadness I feel is too much to handle…so, I’ll do some processing in this post because writing is therapeutic for me.

I feel like an insane woman.  I sat on the couch holding R as my sweet husband got my 20 month old ready to go to daycare.  Let him stay home with me today….I pondered.  Then the thoughts of how tired I am and how chaotic the day with two will be….I reluctantly sent him on with tears in my eyes.  I asked, am I a bad mom for sending him to daycare? What is wrong with me??  I haven’t cried about sending W to daycare in months!  He’s a force to be reckoned with and he has fun playing with his friends at daycare…a semi-relaxing day with an infant that sleeps most of the time seems much better…so why the tears?!

It’s the LOVE SO DEEP IT HURTS….the radical journey of becoming a parent and learning how to navigate all the emotions that come with it.  I have seen a lot of the world, lived and witnessed a lot of heartbreak, experienced deep joy and excitement, felt like the most loved woman in the world married to the most amazing husband….LOVE….HURT….I have experienced it all on many levels.  Nothing compares to this….LOVE SO DEEP IT HURTS, it makes you crazy!

Sleep deprivation, disgusting diapers, not remembering the last time you washed your hair, having food (or God knows what) crusted on every single item of clothing you own, feeling like a dairy cow…it can get overwhelming to say the least.  Yet, when I look at my babies, I am overwhelmed that the human heart could love so deep.  It cuts down to the core of your soul, it exposes the depth of your own depravity, the scope of your limitations, and at the same time highlights the goodness within all of us, the lengths you would go for these tiny humans, the inner fortitude, and those instincts that at times seem super human, because they are, clothed in a grace not of this world.

It doesn’t get easier, shame on you for telling me that.  It’s just as hard if not harder the second time…I go back to work February 1 and I am dreading pulling out of the drive way, knowing that my little R will be cared for by someone else most of the week, knowing that what I will offer is only a couple of tired hours each night after work.

This is our reality, this is the reality for most.  It is a blessing and a curse, more bitter than sweet…I admit, I am jealous of moms who get to stay at home with their babies and take care of their home.  Yet, I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to provide for my family, for a job that understands that I am a mom first.

A love so deep it hurts…why subject ourselves to the pain?  It is worth every single moment and all the moments I don’t get to be with my babies?? What about them?  They make me appreciate the time I do get to spend with them.  Today, I hurt.  I hurt really bad.  So I’ll snuggle my little one a while longer and soak it all in.