A Simple Song, A Simple Life

I asked for a simple life.  Boy, does it look different than I imagined.

The last few years for me have been a whirlwind.  I started a job where I commute 45 minutes each way, a job that has been challenging, a job I never thought I would ever do, a job I really would not have ever chosen to do if given the choice, nevertheless, a job that I enjoy and a job that I am good at.

I never saw myself as a professional working in the industry I work in.  I always saw myself working exclusively for non-profits, whether it be in church ministry or missions.  My first four years out of college, I threw myself wholly into this vision of living like a vagabond, traveling the world helping the poor and needy, rejecting the “American dream”, guitar in tow, ready to make an impact.  As a young adult, I saw myself writing and recording a collection of songs, I saw myself writing in general.  To me, that was simplicity, the complexity was how to actually do it.

I got married at 24 to my husband who is over 4+ years younger than me, who had not gone to college, who had zero plans except to love me and take care of me.  We both worked retail and attempted to juggle a side ministry…we even packed everything we owned in storage and took a trip to the Middle East with full intention of moving there. On that trip it was made clear that we were in no way ready for that type of move.  So the alternative?  My husband enrolled in college and I found a “real job” that paid.  Fast forward 7 years, my husband is getting his Master of Divinity, has been ordained as a Deacon, serves as a youth minister at our church.  I am working the same job.  Its almost as if the pause button was hit on any dream I ever had before….or maybe, those dreams died?  Or maybe it is actually this…when we are young, we have this rose colored vision of the world, especially when you are a dreamer, young, fearless and ambitious.  I believe God puts those dreams in your heart to move you to chase something, to chase Him.  Those dreams are sometimes actualized and sometimes, they change and grow into new dreams.

I will tell you this, it is Friday morning, the last Friday morning of my maternity leave.  I’m sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee.  I am looking at my dream right now, sleeping in a yellow onesie.  My dream, my greatest joy and desire was unknown to me until I held my first son for the first time.  Being a mom is the greatest calling, the greatest adventure I have ever set out on.  In those tiny faces, I see so much beauty and wonder that the world entire could never offer.  I hear songs more moving than anything that I could create.  I see a life, as hard as it is and as mundane as it can appear, a life more adventurous than I could ever image.

I start work next week, we begin the process of early morning wake ups, throwing on “real clothes”, and getting all of us out the door successfully.  In the chaos and pain I feel in leaving my babies with someone else at daycare, I have to remind myself that I am providing for my family, I am working toward a new and lovely dream, a dream that sprung up from years of being buried in the ground, a sprouting seed that has started unfold it’s leaves.  Two little boys call me mommy, what else could I want?

I don’t know what lies ahead for me, what season are yet to come for our family.  I do know we are in the palm of His hand and this unexpected turn of growing up and growing out has resulted in joy unspeakable.

Yes, my guitar is in it’s case collecting dust and there are songs I have yet to sing…because right now, there is a power in “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” that can move mountains in my soul like nothing else.  A simple song, a simple life.