OH the HEART WRENCHING MOMENT…..when your baby, your first born, the pride and joy of your heart, the one who looks EXACTLY like you…wants nothing….absolutely….utterly…NOTHING to do with you. I disappear entirely, becoming the invisible parent.
I cried my eyes out last night. For the last five months, I might as well have not existed. Since the arrival of our second bundle of perfect, my first baby boy has found a new favorite human, and that human is NOT mommy anymore. Daddy might as well be Santa Claus, every magical horsey/dragon/dinosaur creature imaginable, he might as well even be Jesus himself! The kid is obsessed!
Why does this upset me? I have a wonderful husband and any normally sane wife would relish in the fact that her almost 2 year old is following in the footsteps of such a man…except I am not your normally sane wife. It KILLS me.
I come home “HI SWEETHEART!!! I missed you today”
Dead stare. OR worse…he runs away.
“Give mama a hug because I LOVE YOU!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” as he fights to get out of my embrace.
Last night was the mother of all nights. I decided it was a good idea to play with said toddler. Maybe if I did a little rough housing like Daddy, he’d warm up to me. I held him down, tickled him, wouldn’t let him ago. Giggling soon turned into whining which turned in to me SCREAMING as he sunk his needle like baby teeth into that tender skin right above my armpit. My reaction (or overreaction) as a giant purple bite appeared caused him to run away crying to Daddy. He was terrified of mommy. Tears. All around. Tears. This was my breaking point after five months of straight up rejection.
I give up on everything, on life entirely…I’m done. I went to bed and cried my eyes out until little brother needed me and once again I am holding the bundle of perfection that started this entire cycle to begin with.
I know, I’m not acting like an adult in this situation and most of the time, I can ignore this behavior. Last night was just one of those nights when I took it WAY too personal. Never mind that my child BIT the ever living daylight out of me! It seems humorous looking back on it, but it kills me! He’s a tad bit resentful and jealous of little brother. I get it. It just crushes me when every breath I take and moment spent is taking care of these precious babies, only to get a bite, not a hug…a BITE that drew blood, ya’ll!
I guess that is how someone else must feel.
We do the same thing with God, don’t we? We are his kids and relishes our every word, every action, every smile. Yet we ignore him, we run away from him, and sometimes we lash out when we have had enough. Yet he keeps on loving us unconditionally, daily caring for our needs, even when we don’t take the time to notice him.
Being a parent has opened my eyes to an entire new world of emotions, both joy and heartache. I am thankful for each experience. We will get through these days, I will one day no longer be the invisible parent. Until then, I’ll keep chasing my little baby boy and taking time to relish in the hard lessons learned.
Wandering Heart Bound 