Empty

It has been awhile.  Both my 2 year old and youngest are finally asleep.  Victory in Jesus! My 11 month old wouldn’t let me put him down….all day, until just 20 minutes ago.  I did one of those roll off the bed slowly and crawl on my stomach out of the bedroom moves, I’d put any marine to shame with my mad covert skills.  I then followed with fresh warm sheets out of the dyer…gently laying them around him on the bed.  No doubt, they will cool soon and he’ll be squirming for a warm body to cling to.  For now, it worked.

This age is precious as can be but exhausting.  Sometimes, you just…need…some…space.

Chocolate bar and a glass of wine, on the floor in the landing.

We are those terrible parents that co-sleep…yes.  We. do. And it’s called survival.  We didn’t even try not to.  We just determined that if we both had to get up for work and spend very little time with them during the week, we wanted to sleep all night and have them close.  So yes, my kids are not sleep trained and they are the favorites during nap time at daycare 😉  No apologies.  Yes, I would like to not have a baby that snacks all night on me and a toddler who doesn’t kick me in the face.  I would like to sleep next to my husband for sure…but we wouldn’t change this for the world.  We had seven years and we’ll have decades more to have a kid free bed.  This season is so short, I want them close to me.  And yes, soon, we’ll help them and encourage them to make that brave decision to sleep in their big boy beds.  Not yet.

Yesterday, we said goodbye to some dear friends who are embarking on the next phase of their missional life in West Africa.  We had them over for a few hours and we shared stories and experiences.  They have a son the same age as my youngest.  I am amazed at how difficult and rewarding their lives are, at the same time, so aware of my own selfish tendencies.  I thought my life would look very much like their lives a decade ago.  My husband felt the same.  Now, having kids, our vision is so very narrow, tunnel vision, survival mode…my precious friends think of their work and plans months out, I find myself thrilled to have made a grocery list.

I am so thankful to know them and I admire them so very much, especially seeing them do what they do with a baby in tow.  It is so easy to compare talents, strengths, weaknesses.  I find myself doing it so often with people I love so very much, with people who are doing the things I thought I would do.

I’m not as strong as I thought I was.  I am not as talented.  I am not as creative and I don’t have the motivation I thought I had.  I don’t operate well without sleep.  Social events drain me and holding an adult conversation is difficult for me these days.  I am not as confident as I used to be.  I don’t like the newest apps that make life easier.  I also don’t think I could do what my friends do.

And I’m perfectly ok with all of it.  I get down too often, I struggle with depression on a daily basis.  I feel like a failure more often than I should.  I feel used and tired.  I am weak, I am vulnerable, and I need help.  I’m exactly where I need to be.  I can’t do it all on my own.

This unraveling started about 10 years ago.  It was a slow process and I have found that having children has taken me to the very edge of myself.  I don’t have anything left to give.  And that is when He breaks in.  I’m out of the way.  He can finally do the miraculous.

Empty…the baby on the bed stirs at the same time the boy who looks just like me calls out “Mommy!”  The silence is over, the wine glass enjoyed.  A cry breaks the silence.