Crash

Crash. It happened.  I had my first car wreck.  The first one ever in fact…my van, my lovely red van with the leather seats and sunroof that I adore, that I feel amazingly fabulous driving, the one that helps me keep my cool as a mom, that one…smashed into a Jeep.  For the record, Jeeps are pretty much indestructible.  My nearly totaled my beloved mom-mobile.  The Jeep had no scratch.  I was a mess.

The wreck happened on Good Friday.  I was frantically rushing to get a FedEx dropped for work, tying up loose ends before our 10 year anniversary trip.  The boys were in the back and I looked down for a split second to check the GPS on my phone and the next thing I know, I’m staring into the back of another car with my entire front in crushed.

So began the unraveling, the anxiety hit.  I regressed to a fourth grader who cried over her first “B”, I regressed to a 16 year old making sure every hair was in place, I regressed to a college sophomore in the back of a bus in Argentina sobbing because I couldn’t handle the stress of leading a team of 16 peers in a foreign country.  I came face to face with the reality that I am my worst critic, my worst enemy.  I know I’m not perfect but I’m going to beat myself up over every mistake anyways.  I’m going to over analyze every comment, every email, every conversation and hold it up to a standard that is completely unrealistic.

The thing is, I’ve carried myself in a way that appears confident, cool, and collected.  It doesn’t take long to realize my foundation is sand.  I’ll knock the wind out of myself and inflict the first blow before anyone else can even think about it.

Crash.  Do all thing really work together for good?  I’ve believed it and held on for dear life to those words, to that promise.  I’ve forgotten.

A giant magnifying glass on the soul, an exposing of the condition of the heart, it took broken glass and dented metal, that’s what it took to wake me up.  I can’t stay on top of every little detail and when I don’t, I must give myself grace.  The damn FedEx could have waited.  I was too afraid to let someone else pick up the slack.  Why? Because in my mind, I’m not worth it.

Crash.  I am thankful we are all ok.  I’m thankful for car insurance.  I’m thankful that I got to keep my fabulous little van and all was not lost.  The gain?  A fresh perspective, a longing to shake off the anxious living, a desire to embrace the gift of today and let tomorrow worry about itself.