Fast Forward

I forgot about this space…this online journal where a much younger version of myself poured out thoughts.

It’s 2025 and I’m 40 years old with four years behind me since my last entry. To say time has gotten away from me is an understatement. I’ve hardly had a moment to take a breath since the whirlwind of my woes, victories, pain and joy alike swept me away from a state of reflection. What have I been doing? A younger more idealistic self would call this present chaos a wasteful crucible. Wisdom sees it all for what it really is…this is life. This is living, working, trying, failing, getting back up after each sucker punch to the very heart of you. This is adulting.

I don’t know what it is about 40 but I feel like a grown up. The imposter syndrome creeps in some days, but for the most part, I’m feeling very middle aged. I think most millenials struggle with growing up and the hard reality is finally hitting that we have.

Fast forward…I feel hope. I experienced two deep losses in 2022 and 2023, two losses that left my arms empty and my heart in pieces. However, a glimmer of hope has remained in the shallow of death.

I’ve written of the struggle to juggle, the pain and joy of motherhood, and the reality of this glorious mess we find ourselves in. Maybe I’ve stopped struggling, maybe I’ve given in? Or maybe the grace is sufficient for today and I’ve finally embraced it. Loss changes you….it shocks you and then brings you face to face with the depths of your fears. It makes you brave.

Fast forward, I’ve grown upward and onward.