The last week, I’ve been waking up at 2:30 am, 3:00 am, or 4:00 am….basically, I go to bed with the hope of only four hours of sleep. I’m almost a full 40 weeks pregnant this morning and wide awake. My sleep deprived thoughts are as follows:
My body is aching, contractions have been inconsistent yet extremely painful over the last several days, getting stronger and stronger. My body is preparing itself. However, when I think about the arrival of my second son, I question, is my heart ready??
Yesterday was a blur, I woke up and attempted to make breakfast for my husband and son. We have hardly any food in the fridge or cabinets due to the fact that grocery shopping takes every single ounce of energy as last time I went I waddled around the store aimlessly only to come home with milk, eggs and cheese. Yesterday morning, I did however have frozen waffles, bananas and strawberries so my fruit topped vision was executed and then swiftly fell into the disaster it really was: a soggy mess that my 18 month old son could barely eat.
After lounging on a smelly, sheet covered couch (do not leave baby’s breath out for your cat to nibble, it’s toxic to them and it will result in a vomit covered living room for days, but that is another disaster story), we got up and got ready for a friend’s wedding. Let me tell you, I’m 5’9″ tall, normally weigh in at about 140 lbs and would say that I am relatively a thin person, even when pregnant. However, I have topped the scale this pregnancy and have gained over 40 lbs. Nothing fits, nothing. I tried on every dress in my closet, normally I can wear regular clothes and my baby bump looks super cute and I’m told “oh wow, you don’t even look pregnant from the back!” Nah, not this time. My husband said I looked like a sausage trying to squeeze into even my MATERNITY dresses! I love his honesty. I finally settled on a black dress that didn’t hug my backside and we set off to the wedding. During the reception, my 18 month old decided to be a total maniac and of course, the worst possible thing happened. He tripped and face planted HARD into a metal bar on my chair, resulting in the most terrifying few moments of my life as a HUGE goose egg knot appeared on his tiny head that looked like it might explode! We made a lovely exit with a screaming toddler just as the bride and groom entered for their first dance. (Nikki and Ron, so sorry! We love you and your wedding was beautiful!)
On our way to the hospital, we quickly discovered that Peppa Pig and a bottle of milk can change the course of history. We decided against the overpriced visit to the ER to get checked out. At that point, it was too late. My attempt at “running” across the church parking lot, attending to a screaming toddler in the back seat, and the pure rush of terror as my child looked like an alien life form might emerge from his forehead…well, that was a perfect combination for the onset of some major contractions and one very uncomfortable evening.
I sat on the couch (now shampooed and no longer smelling of cat vomit) the remainder of the night allowing baby boy to pull all the books off the book shelves and play until he crashed just to keep him awake long enough to make me feel it was safe to allow him to drift off to sleep. Thank God for no serious head injury. All the while, the labor pains are getting stronger and stronger. I kept thinking, great timing, my in-laws just caught a flight to Kansas City and our back up is officially out of state, tonight is NOT our night.
I did make it through the night, well, until I woke up at an ungodly hour. So here it is, 6 am and I’m still in a ton of pain, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, wishing I would have been able to sleep just a little longer…AND my mind is racing and my heart pounding at the thought of Rory.
I’m NOT READY FOR THIS!!!! I have one son that I adore with all my heart, do I have a heart big enough to contain enough love for this precious baby inside of me? Will I be able to balance this mom thing? I work full time and our lives are already insane as it is, one is crazy enough, but two??? How!?!
I’m reflecting back to just a few months ago when I was 12 weeks pregnant with this boy. I was standing at the copy machine at work when suddenly I began to hemorrhage. In a total panic, I drove myself 20 miles across this metroplex to our hospital ER, crying the entire way. I remember thinking, this is it.
I remember vividly every second that past in that ER room as they examined, every second we thought I was miscarrying our sweet baby. At the time, we didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. However, in my heart I uttered a prayer, “please don’t let me lose Rory John.”
That day was a scare I won’t ever forget. My belly has continued to swell and grow and we found out that Rory John was in fact a boy after all. I knew it all along. Here we are and he is coming so very soon. If he doesn’t show up before, we induce in three days.
I may not feel ready, it may all seem and feel like one exhausting blurry question mark before us…one thing I do know is this:
Rory John Ambrose, you are known and loved before the foundations of this earth were ever laid. You are my increase in joy. I have known joy in becoming a wife to your daddy and a momma to your amazing big brother. You will only increase and deepen that. I can already tell you are full of passion and zeal for life, you will have a fiery personality and a tenacious spirit. You are a fighter. You, my sweet one, will be here soon and I can’t wait to see your little face! We may not feel ready but I know, when I hold you in my arms, the world will fade away and you’ll completely melt my heart.
God, grant me yet again the grace to be a good mom to these two boys, an extra measure of your peace as we prepare to care for one more of your children. Thank you for blessing our lives with two sons, to unique and beautiful souls that will carry on our legacy even after we have passed into eternity. Amen.
Wandering Heart Bound 